The Jesus Comedy Show
The
Jesus Comedy Show.
(A
comedy club in West London)
MC: Ladies
and gentlemen. Tonight we have an incredibly special guest who is going to do
religion in a way that you’ve never heard it before! Will you please give a very rousing
welcome to the mighty, the wonderful, the compassionate, Lord Jesus Christ!!!!
Jesus.
Thank
you ladies and gentlemen, thank you - it’s great to be with you.
I....er I think I ought to tell you that I’m a little
bit nervous about all this. You see I’ve not done much in the way of stand-up
before.... I mean get me talking about theology – no problem, slagging off a
few Pharisees - a piece of cake. But trying to make people laugh? Well that’s
something else altogether. I mean you hear all these stories about how tough
audiences can be and it’s sometimes just impossible to make them laugh....and judging
by the looks of you lot tonight, I think I might be in for a rough ride!!
OK, I’m gonna see what kind of audience you are by
trying out a few parabolas on you .......pardon...... Oh well done that man;
yes I do mean parables. Just checking that you are actually listening!!
Right, here we go then:
There was this Shepherd, right, and he had 100 sheep,
right here on Turnham Green. Anyway one day one of these sheep takes a good
look round and thinks “I’m going shopping”!
Then another one says to himself, “Right, I shall go and see a good
film”! And then another one just swans off (can a sheep swan off?? – who
knows?)
Anyway gradually more and more sheep get the idea in
their heads that exploring the bright lights of West London is a lot better
than just eating grass. I mean, what stupid sheep! How can they buy things in
the shops without money and anyhow, where would they keep their wallets?!? And
even if they could get into the cinema, just imagine 6 sheep all sitting in a
row trying to eat popcorn!! Anyway, eventually 99 sheep have got it into their
woolley heads to wander off in search of excitement and so in the end there was
only one sheep left.
Ah.....sad isn’t it?
But that’s why they call it the.....wait for it......
the Parable of the LAST Sheep!!
No, I didn’t think much of that one either. I think I
need a new script writer!
You know it’s incredible but when I used to wander
round Galilee I was besieged by all kinds of people wanting to talk to me. Some
of them wanted to be healed and some of them just to get some free food every
now and then! And I could always tell when they approached what sort of person
they were and what they wanted.
And it’s no different now, cause just the other day
here in Chiswick this really flash looking guy came up to me and said “Hey,
Jesus”. So I take a good look at him and I’m thinking, well at least he’s got
my name right... and he says, “How do I get to heaven?” So I said, “Well I wouldn’t
start from here...... But seriously...this guy was really cool. He had a huge
house...worth millions. He could always be seen in all the best restaurants.....La
Trompette...... Nadra..... Nandos! And his clothes.... I mean I’ve never seen
such a sharp dresser, Armani suit, Gucci shoes. Boy oh boy, real class and was
I impressed?
Well, no, I wasn’t actually. I mean there he was with
all this money. Flashing it round all over the place on lavish parties and the
like and I knew that he didn’t give a single penny away. Now is that mean or what.
Anyway I said to this guy, “You really wanna get to heaven? And he says yeah
course I do man I’ve heard it’s really cool up there. So I looked him straight
in the eye and I said OK give away all your money to the poor and go and work
in a homeless hostel for the rest of your life.
Wow...you should have seen the look on his face. It
was priceless! He just stood there mouth wide open and stared at me. And he never
said another word, but just walked slowly away.
Isn’t that a
shame?.....Well it’s like I’ve always said.....You can’t get a rich man through
the eye of a camel.....No hang on a minute.... You can’t get 2 camels through
the eye of a rich man.....no, that’s not right either........ Hey...this script
writer’s definitely gonna have to go!!
By the way, talking of money; here’s a little tip to
help with paying your tax! Find a guy called Peter, send him down to the river
to catch a fish and then try looking inside its mouth!!......... Oh you don’t
get it......... well try reading your Bible a bit more often and you might find
something else to your advantage.
OK so here’s another little tale for you anyone here
heard the one about Adam and Eve? Yeah it’s really kind of odd that one isn’t
it. I mean just imagine someone coming up to you and saying OK you can spend
the rest of your life on a tropical island with all the food and drink you
want. Everything is free. You can listen to any kind of music you want, swim in
a nice warm sea and just enjoy yourself and have a great life. Oh, but whatever
you do, don’t eat the pineapples……they look really juicy and tasty but they’re
are actually highly poisonous and if you eat one you will die – pure and
simple.
So, what would you do? Would you be mad enough to eat
one and spoil the paradise you were living in? Bit of a no brainer really isn’t
it? But guess what that’s exactly what Adam and Eve did. I mean would you Adam
and Eve it? They blew away the whole of paradise for something worthless. How
stupid can anyone get?
The problem is, though, it didn’t just affect them but
the whole of humanity......... Ah well, such is life.... or death in this case,
but there’s not a lot we can do about it! Or is there? That’s something my
Father in heaven put a great deal of thought into. You see he wasn’t very happy
with what Adam and Eve did, in fact he was really very sad indeed and told them
so and he banished them from their island paradise because they didn’t just
screw it up for themselves, but all their offspring too. You see this poison was
like a virus and was inherited and if they stayed on the island there would
never be any hope of people being free of it. So they left and all they had
were the clothes they stood up in.... well fig leaves actually and they all got
on boats and spent years floating around on the sea. The only way they kept body
and soul together was to catch fish and eat it raw. And that’s how sushi came
to be invented!
But seriously, God didn’t like this situation one bit.
So he thought up a plan – a way to get them back onto the island where they
could live forever. He had the idea of sending out a great big boat that had
enough room on it for everyone, with a doctor on board, and this doctor would
carry the only antidote for the terrible, terrible virus.
As it happened, God’s Son was a doctor so he said to
his Son will you go out on this ship and save people? The doctor was more than
happy to do this and said, “OK, I can do that – no problem”. But God said to
the doctor. “Oh….I’m afraid it is a problem and it is a very big problem,
because some of these people who have been floating around on the sea for years
have gone mad and if they get hold of you they will torture you and then drown
you.
Well let me tell you, the doctor did agree to go, so
God sent the huge boat right into the middle of all the little boats to pick up
as many people as wanted to come aboard and be cured of their disease. And
guess what, they did torture and drown him, just like God said.
But that wasn’t the end of the story because the doctor
was connected to God in a very special way and was so close, that he was
actually a part of him. And that meant that God was able to bring the doctor
back to life, and do you know what the doctor did then? He started bringing people
on board by the hundreds and then by the thousands and there was still room on
his huge great ship for more. And many of them are now safely back on the
island paradise and loving every minute of it. But the doctor is still out there
rescuing people all the time, because there are still a great number of them
floating around helplessly.
So I’m asking you today, do you believe this story?
And if you were one of those people floating round endlessly on the sea would
you want to be picked up and rescued by the doctor? Well I can tell you it is
true, in essence, because I am that doctor. And I was killed, not by being
drowned, but on a Cross. And I am the only way back to God the Father and
paradise. So I am asking you today to believe in me, the Lord Jesus Christ, and
you too can be in paradise forever.
And that, my friends, is no joke.
Thank you for your time. You’ve been a wonderful
audience.
